August 30, 2012 by Ann
A CHRISTMAS STORY FROM THE EDGE
So I was minding my own business when I heard a loud crashing sound on the roof of my house. At first I thought it was a raid of some kind. But I was straight, see. I mean I ain’t done nothing in years. So what’s with the Feds on my roof anyway? Hmmmmmmm, maybe they was not feds after all. Maybe they was them guys from Detroit eh. They always wanted revenge after Sil got whacked back in 97′.
I grab my rod, .45 acp, a few extra clips and snuck out the back door. I left the TV on to give some distraction as I made my way outside. It was a very cold night, I could see all the stars. I noticed this glow on my roof eh. So I figured it was “dem guys”.
“Where the hell did all this snow come from anyway? I’m in the middle of Dada County. It don’t snow in Florida”, I thought to myself as I climbed the ladder to the roof. The snow was wet and very cold and it dripped down my neck. Out of all the places for melting snow to drip. Why down the back of my neck? The only spot exposed and it drips RIGHT THERE.
It went so quick, it was like a blur. As I got on top of the roof. I saw this big dude. He was walking around and as I was watched him unnoticed. I saw a red flash to my right. So I fired a few rounds that way as I made way for some cover. “Them S.O.B’s ain’t going to whack me”, I thought to myself as I ran, firing shots over my shoulder.
When I peaked around the corner of my swamp cooler. All I saw was this streak in the sky as it dipped out of sight into the stars, like a shooting star. Maybe I put one to many shots of espresso in my coffee eh. Maybe this guy and his boys took a powder, maybe not. So after I was done gazing at the sky, I began to access the scene.
“What’s the deal with all the snow anyway? And why is there little brown balls all over the place? What the hell? What is this thing laying on the roof?”, I retorted.
It looked like I nailed one of them guys. I saw a lifeless form on the roof. I ran up to it with my rod pointed at the stiff, just in case. I almost slipped on them brown balls and ice on the roof to. Piss me off since I was already battling a pulled back muscle. @*&5$!#@!!
“What the **** is that?”, I said to myself.
It’s a damn deer of some kind. Look at the size of them hooves eh. And what’s the deal with the snooze? That animal had one big red honker man. Well, it’s deader than a box of rocks now. But no sign of them guys either. Fact is, I could not find more than one human foot print in the snow. Must have been that fat guy I thought. Upon closer examination, them round balls were deer feces. All over the place to. It was the last time a deer was going to use my roof as a toilet anyway, especially the one laying here…lol
I called my cousin and asked him if he would not mind helping me “clean up” a mess. He got the hint and was at my pad rickety split. When we hauled in that deer. My cuz decided that we should package the meat.
“Well it beats using up a perfectly good 55 gallon drum”, I thought. It was also funny that I was using all my butcher knives actually for meat…lol.
As we were stabbing and slabbing the deer, we kept the radio on. nothing on Crime Stoppers and the scanner was very quiet. So it was easy street.
It was about 5 am when we finally finished cutting up that deer. And we had to get ready since aunt Rose was coming to pick us up for Morning Mass. So me and Vin washed up and put on some clean duds and Ba Da Bing, we was ready just as Aunt Rose honked the horn.
I went to the basement and shut the light. But when I shut the light, the room glowed bright red. Wow, it was bright, too. Reminded me of a raid back in the old days when all the cops used red lights only. Yea know what I mean eh. Now they have them bitchen blue lights as well. That’s an OSHA thing, and a different story.
Anyway, where was I. Oh yeah eh.
When we got back from the dinner. I noticed a beam of light like a laser. It was shining from the key hole from the basement door. The basement was always pitch black, even on the brightest day. And the walls were thick. You could have a bomb go off in there and not hear a peep outside. No kidding. So this dark place was aglow with the bright red light.
Well, this has to be weird. When I went back into the basement. I found that deer head and that damn nose was as bright as can be. It was blinding. It lit up everything in the basement. It was almost impossible to hide the glow, but I got it. I just used a bunch of aluminum. But where to stash this bacon anyway? Surely someone would figure out where the head came from, if discovered. And no telling what that old man said to the cops anyway. That was a loose link, that old man could say anything and we would be facing federal time.
I could already be public enemy number one by now. How the hell would I know. This joker and them deer broke my TV cable anyway. Think he did that last year to. Only, I thought it was my neighbor. He denied it, but I KNEW he did it. So I torched his car. To bad he was in the trunk. Just kidding, gawd.
To make a long story short. My cousin knew some guys that worked with the building authority in New York. They would take business trips to Florida from time to time. And my cousin was your entertainment engineer, so to speak. Well you know how it goes. A few guys share war stories from their respective jobs in the city. So this guy tells us about the Empire State Building. The funny part about all this is the fact they have been plagued with problems with the electricity on the tower above the building.
Was a bad deal to. the FAA already fined them big time and the light still went out. They surely were going to face more fines in the near future. Worse yet, what if a plane or helicopter hit a guy wire? Poof, a multi-million dollar law suit. The insurance would go through the roof to. Would not be the first time an aircraft met it’s doom on that building though.
After some chit chat, my cousin came up with a plan. Somehow or another, we got the contract for keeping that light on. And that’s right, it’s that deer’s nose, bright as day. Yea ever wonder if that nose was radio active? I do, sometimes. But I made $18,000 on the deal. So what if I glow in the dark.
I guess it was a very Merry Christmas. 18,000 smackers eh. And I did fix my TV cable. Also about 100 pounds of rain deer meat. Think I’ll make jerky with some of it eh.